Memories
by carrietrash
Summary: Leia finds herself on the Falcon as Rey is preparing to leave at the end of TFA, bringing back all sorts of memories for her. Contains spoilers. This is my first fanfic and it was just an idea I couldn't get out of my head, hope you enjoy it :)
She suddenly found herself beside the access ramp to the ship that was her home for many years. One of the only places that she felt safe. She hadn't intended to walk towards it but it was as though she wasn't in control of her legs, as though she was sleepwalking. The ramp was down, probably so that the ship could be prepared for Rey's departure to find Luke. She was anxious standing on the very edge of the ramp, leaning against one of the posts. Every time she saw the Falcon, she saw Han, and every memory they had shared since her rescue all those years ago. She was still majorly grieving his death, but she was doing a good job at keeping it to herself. She feared stepping inside, not knowing how well she would withstand the flood of memories that could drown her; but again, her legs betrayed her as she slowly made her way up the ramp.

Her breathing was shallow, almost as if she wasn't breathing at all, as she felt the first drops of the flood yet to come. She couldn't help but smile as she boarded the ship to find it in exactly the same state it was in the last time she saw it. The familiarity seemed to comfort her as she ran her hand lightly over the holochess table as if she was seeing it for the first time. So many times had she sat at this table with Han, sometimes to play games, sometimes to eat, sometimes to just sit and enjoy each other's company. At the beginning of their trip to Bespin they had gathered in this part of the ship to argue and torment each other, relentlessly digging and throwing insults, but later in the trip it became a place for them to sit, often in silence, in each other's embrace. She had always found it calming to bring her knees to her chest and just be silent while Han wrapped his arm around her, often with a can in his other hand. It was almost a domestic feeling, despite being so far from home. At that time, she didn't really have a home. She was a wandering soul thanks to the destruction of Alderaan. But after her feelings for Han were made public she realised that anywhere he was, she called home.

She bit her lower lip as the doorway to the cockpit came into her vision. Her mind produced the image of Han sat in the pilots seat, which got her hopes up. Her heart quickly kindled the small spark of hope before it got the chance to ignite fully, reminding herself harshly that he was gone and that she was being stupid. She continued to walk towards the cockpit, her palms sweating slightly. She slowly peeked her head around the door frame, trying to desperately cling onto the image of him reclining in his chair, to see that the room was empty. Her chest sank slightly and she mentally reprimanded herself for having such stupid fantasies, especially at a time like this. But all she wanted was for him to hold her one more time, to tell her that it was all going to be okay, in the way only HE could. She stepped fully into the small room, feeling a slight breeze from somewhere. The cold brought up the goosebumps on her arms as she rubbed them lightly. Outside the window she could see the rush of people running around preparing for missions and such, and she felt guilty for getting distracted from her work. When she stumbled upon the ship she was on her way to do something, but now she couldn't even remember what that task was. She rested her hands on the tops of the chairs and looked at the control panel in front of her. She never knew what half of the buttons did but it fascinated her to sit between Han's knees as he made the jump to light speed, flicking switches and pressing buttons. She loved to see him in his familiar territory. She found it so sexy to see him making adjustments to the ship and she'd often found herself standing leaning against doorways, just watching him. Whether he realised she was there, she didn't know, but she knew he did similar things while she was busy. There had been a few times when she could be standing preparing some food and she'd catch him out of the corner of her eye, at which point he would make his way over and plant kisses on her forehead, wrapping his arms around her waist.

Something inside her said to look somewhere else. Part of her was liking the memories that were being triggered by her exploration, but the other part thought it was torturous. Nonetheless she exited the cockpit, looking back once more to the movement of people outside. She took a deep breath as she slowly made her way towards the sleeping quarters of the ship. The hallway was dark and seemed to have lost its spark. She thought about all the times she had made her way to this part of the ship. Sometimes with Han, sometimes alone. The first time she had slept on the ship, Han had made it clear to her that he would sleep outside. Now, she felt bad for actually making him do it, but at the time she was still unsure of her feelings and had never spent so much time with someone like him before. It kind of scared her. Once she let him in, she finally felt safe and sound. He slept away from her the second night, he was in the bed, but she faced away from him. The third night, she had taken his arm and wrapped it around her waist from behind. She would give so much to go back to that moment.

Something inside her said to look somewhere else. Part of her was liking the memories that were being triggered by her exploration, but the other part thought it was torturous. Nonetheless she exited the cockpit, looking back once more to the movement of people outside. She took a deep breath as she slowly made her way towards the sleeping quarters of the ship. The hallway was dark and seemed to have lost its spark. She thought about all the times she had made her way to this part of the ship. Sometimes with Han, sometimes alone. The first time she had slept on the ship, Han had made it clear to her that he would sleep outside. Now, she felt bad for actually making him do it, but at the time she was still unsure of her feelings and had never spent so much time with someone like him before. It kind of scared her. Once she let him in, she finally felt safe and sound. He slept away from her the second night, he was in the bed, but she faced away from him. The third night, she had taken his arm and wrapped it around her waist from behind. She would give so much to go back to that moment.

She pressed a button on the door panel and it opened with a slight whoosh. Dust flew up and she coughed slightly, stepping inside to set her eyes upon the state of the place. Goodness knows what he had been up to since leaving but he sure hadn't learned to pick up after himself. She laughed slightly, remembering all the times she'd shouted at him for leaving things lying around making a mess, even more so once Ben came along to double the mess. The bed was un-made and there were clothes all over the floor. His desk was a mess; papers scattered and empty food wrappers amongst them. Several boxes here overturned in the corner of the room, drawing attention to something in particular.

She made her way over to the box, careful not to trip on the objects that lined the floor. Hanging over the edge of one of the boxes was a white (well, greying) piece of cloth that she recognised immediately. She crouched slightly to carefully pick it up, holding it flat out in her hands. She smiled at it, despite the tears that were pricking the corners of her eyes. It was THE shirt. She rubbed a thumb over the fabric and it was rough under her touch. She remembered the first time she saw him wearing it. As much as he irritated her, she was reluctant to admit that it looked good on him. The first time SHE had worn it was once they were married. It took him by surprise to see her casually wearing something so personal to him and she remembered it being ridiculously oversized on her that she looked quite pathetic. But it was a spur of the moment action, which made her smile as she held the shirt to her chest. Tears spilled from her eyes as she breathed in the familiar scent of him. A faint mix of his aftershave and metal. It was purely him, and she was going to miss this smell. It made her feel so safe.

The tears dropped onto the shirt, bringing he out of her slight trance. She brushed away the wet patches on the fabric and tried to stop crying, reminding herself that she couldn't stand around feeling sorry for herself forever. She swallowed hard and slowly made her way towards the door again, still carrying the shirt. She paused when something on the desk caught her eye. She walked back towards the desk, picking up a framed picture which was balanced on the top of some data pads. She sighed as she looked into the eyes of herself, her husband, and their son. It was a picture of their first family portrait. She remembered stressing out the entire morning beforehand trying in vain to get Ben's hair to stay in one position while he tried to wriggle out of his father's arms in protest. She remembered being frustrated with Han for laughing at her and giving up, leaving one strand of her toddler's hair completely sticking up. She laughed now, it was part of his charm. She found herself lost in the memory of raising her son with the man she loved, memories which seemed to be so long ago. She reminded herself that things had changed. And that the little smiling face she was looking at right now had been responsible for the death of his own father. The feeling tore her apart. She could feel the light that remained in her son, he was being manipulated and she knew this as a fact. But part of her would never forgive him for what he had done. Han was her first and only true love, and her own offspring had taken him away from her.

remembered being frustrated with Han for laughing at her and giving up, leaving one strand of her toddler's hair completely sticking up. She laughed now, it was part of his charm. She found herself lost in the memory of raising her son with the man she loved, memories which seemed to be so long ago. She reminded herself that things had changed. And that the little smiling face she was looking at right now had been responsible for the death of his own father. The feeling tore her apart. She could feel the light that remained in her son, he was being manipulated and she knew this as a fact. But part of her would never forgive him for what he had done. Han was her first and only true love, and her own offspring had taken him away from her.

Making her way back down the hallway, she could feel her feet dragging and her posture fall. She hung her head, not even looking where she was going. She heard noise outside and thought that someone was probably looking for her, someone always was. She was heading back towards the boarding ramp when something fell out of the shirt pocket, landing softly on the floor in front of her feet. She stopped in her tracks and dropped her eyes to the small object lying on the floor. She didn't realise what it was at first but she bent to collect it once she did. Her jaw dropped slightly and her breathing became heavy. In her hand she held a white ribbon. The one she had worn in her hair on their wedding day. It was braided into her hair along with various pearls and diamonds and she wondered where Han had even managed to find it. It had become lose during the after party and she thought she had lost it. It hadn't meant much to her at the time, it was just a ribbon after all. But running her finger along the length she found a ring tied to the end. Han's wedding ring. She took in a sharp breath and began sobbing. She had remembered him taking off the ring when he left but she didn't imagine him keeping it. She thought she had lost him then, that it was all over. Only now did she realise that she was lucky he was still alive. But now? She couldn't look forward to their next reunion, because their wouldn't be one. She could never tell him that she was sorry, never return the ring, never be happy. She was still crying as she whispered into the silence of the ship. "I love you" She turned the ring to read the inscription on the inside. 'I know' it read.


End file.
